Becoming a parent and returning to work is one of the most significant transformations that women go through in their lifetime. With it comes a heightened risk for burnout. New mothers are especially at risk in the Tech industry, as they are expected to perform in high-demanding roles, while juggling a new set of responsibilities at home, and navigating a major shift in their identity.
Yet there is little to no support available to them, particularly from employers. According to a study from 2018, 60% of employees surveyed feel that their employer "doesn't do much" to help them balance their lives.
The life-changing event of welcoming a child already puts high amounts of stress on both birthing and non-birthing parents (LGBTQ, or adopting parents for example). Physically, sleep deprivation, changes in the structure of the brain, and massive hormonal shifts are common, and can seriously affect their ability to function. Not to mention the risk of postpartum or post-adoption depression, or even more severe mental health issues, such as PTSD symptoms after a traumatic birth, which can persist for months.
At home, women still carry the majority of the load when it comes to household and childcare duties. The European Institute for Gender Equality reports that “employed women spend about 2.3 hours daily on housework; for employed men, this figure is 1.6 hours. Gender gaps in housework participation are the largest among couples with children, at 61 percentage points”. Returning to work means having to figure out how to fit in more responsibilities in the same 24 hours, and constantly juggling conflicting priorities.
Going back can feel like joining a new company, and new mothers experience it without the consideration and adjustments usually granted to new joiners. Even when they return to the same company and the same job, it might be totally different from when they left: their department might have gone through a reorg, their boss or team members might be new, and products, systems and processes might have completely changed.
Emotionally, strong feelings may arise, such as guilt from leaving their child behind, or a sense of inadequacy, or loss of confidence. For example, if their position was covered by someone else during their leave, returning mothers can feel like they’re not performing as well as that other person. They might also compare their career progress to that of other colleagues who have been promoted while they were away and feel that they are behind and have to make up for that time.
Finally, pervasive societal expectations make those feelings even worse, with women feeling that they have to live up to unrealistic standards. For the past 40+ years, the myth of Superwoman, who flawlessly leads a brilliant career while raising a thriving family has been prevalent in popular culture. This is now exacerbated by social media, where feeds are inundated with images of seemingly perfect mothers telling you how easy it is to have it all.
Stress, isolation and pressure to perform are key ingredients to burnout, driving countless women to struggle, quit their job, or even drop out of the workforce altogether.
So how do we prevent that from happening? How can mothers take matters into their own hands to have a positive return to work experience? The first 90 to 180 days after an extended parental leave mark the start of life as a working parent. It’s important to approach this transition in a way that feels safe, empowering, and rewarding. Although each situation is unique, in my work as a coach, I have learned that the following strategies are effective in helping you navigate your return to work and to start creating the life you want as a working mother.
Prioritize your physical health, starting with getting enough sleep. Sleep is the foundation that will enable everything else. The recommended 7 to 9 hours might not always be achievable, but making sleep a priority and being intentional about it will help.
Try mindfulness. It’s a simple enough practice and won’t eat up additional time in your schedule. You can practice it a few minutes a day while eating, walking, brushing your teeth, or in the shower. Mindfulness has been proven to reduce anxiety and stress, boost memory and focus, and improve emotional regulation.
Ask for help at home. It may sound obvious, but partners, family or friends are a key resource that we might not rely enough on. Talk to them about your needs. Allow them to, and help them, help you.
Move away from perfectionism. Learn to let good enough be good enough, and regularly ask yourself what is really essential and what can be dropped out of your schedule.
Pay attention to your internal dialogue and try to implement more positive self-talk. Some of the language we use with ourselves can be excessively harsh, and we wouldn’t think of speaking to a friend in those terms.
Clarify your “why”. Ask yourself why is it important for you to pursue a career? What values does it fuel for you? How does it make you a better mother? What benefits does it bring to your family? Clarity on your “why” will help you be confident about your choices and stay firm in the face of outside influences.
Set your vision & priorities. Think about what working motherhood will look like for you. Have your career goals changed? How much time do you want to spend with your family? What will you need to compromise on? Defining what the ideal scenario looks like gives you a goal to work towards. From there, clear priorities will emerge that will create a compass for decision-making and a strong case for boundary-setting.
Negotiate the conditions of your return. Once you’re clear on your priorities, talk to HR or your manager about the adjustments that you might need and ask about company benefits and policies that could help you.
Reach out to other parents at work. Ask around to see whether there is a resource group for parents at your company, either official or more casual. If not, a trustworthy colleague who is also a parent might be willing to provide advice or even mentorship.
Set boundaries, and stick to them. If you need to leave at a certain time to pick up your child for example, block time in your calendar and stick to it. This not only helps you with your organization, it helps normalize the behavior for other parents. If it sounds intimidating, you can start with smaller actions at home, where the stakes are not as high. For example, decide on who does a certain chore and stick to it, no matter what. Building this muscle will allow you to reclaim your autonomy and sense of control.
Find a support system. Join women's circles, or talk groups, either in-person or through social media. They are a great resource to battle isolation and get concrete tips, advice and reassurance from other mothers.
Advocate for mothers. If you feel up to the task, and are in a position to do so, advocate for mothers and parents at work. You could join or start a parent resource group. Helping and supporting other people, and working with others towards a shared goal, has been shown to be good for our mental health and wellbeing.
Hire a coach. All of this can feel overwhelming. But you don’t have to do this alone. A professional coach will provide you with a safe space where you can express yourself and find the resources to plan your return in a way that works for you.
In no way am I saying that this is easy to do, or that doing this will completely solve all the challenges that resuming work after having a child represents. To be fair, there are a number of factors that are not within your direct control, and that you won’t be able to predict until you’re back in the trenches.
The items on this list however, are completely within your control, and it’s important that you feel in charge during your transition. Your wellbeing is at stake, and that is the most important aspect of a healthy balance between home and work.
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